Being, not appearing: The essence of abandoning pretence in life

Even a learned man acts according to his nature, for all beings are compelled to act according to the qualities with which the three gunas have endowed them. So what is the use of suppressing one’s nature?

Bhagavad-Gita. 3.33

When a person thinks about goals, desires, dreams and happiness, he thinks through the prism of habitual ideas about himself and others. Looking at a person’s desires, you can tell a lot: what they are afraid of, what they are worried about and what they are trying to escape from. Often people set themselves goals that do not agree with their true nature, which they ignore. Because of this, there is an eternal pursuit of illusory achievements that bring nothing but more and more challenges. Empty races eventually lose their colours and a person is forced to admit that he is spinning like a squirrel in a wheel.

In this regard, it is important to understand what really reflects the essence of man, and what makes him set false goals. The expression: “To be, not to seem” perfectly conveys the duality of human nature, one side of which is true, and the other – only reflects the perceptions of others about the man himself. Today we will talk about how to be and not to seem.

What is the difference between “Being” and “Appearing?”

To be	Appear
Reflect the inner nature and influence the world around us with it	Create a certain image and draw impressions of oneself through others

A person can “Be” himself and “Appear” to be someone. To be oneself means to deeply understand one’s nature and to follow it without denying one’s strengths and weaknesses, and without being seduced by other people’s ways. To seem – means to create a certain impression of ourselves in order to enjoy the missing feeling within us through others. When we try to evoke surprise, envy, admiration, fear, interest or other feelings in others – we need them in ourselves. Our desire to see the feelings we need in others encourages us to appear to be someone else rather than to be ourselves.

The main difference between “Being” and “Seeming”: direction. To be means to manifest one’s nature from the inside out and make it stronger. To seem means to absorb impressions from the world around you by pretence.

What does it mean to be?

Being – a principle reflecting the manifestation of inner nature and its impact on the surrounding reality in activities and relations.

The natural manifestation of nature is the basis of the principle of Being. Only in a few moments do we naturally manifest our nature and from this we are able to feel happiness. We are drawn to the rhythm and format of life that allows us the most time to Be without having to distort our personality in order to get something pleasurable.

It is important for every person to be self-appreciated, but not everyone gets that appreciation. In society there are accepted standards of the approved and disapproved. Because of this, many people do not seek to express their sincere motives and qualities, but rather the approved behaviours. This brings deep-seated dissatisfaction, albeit with possible outward success.

Being means knowing who we are and acting on that knowledge. We define our nature and allow it to manifest, develop and motivate us without doing violence to ourselves. This is how inspiration is born, which is above leisure, honour, external success or people’s approval. This inspiration allows us to experience true life through the realisation of our inner potential, which is not only empowering but also euphoric.

What does it mean to appear?

Appear – a principle reflecting the desire to impress people in an artificial way in order to gain a desired opinion.

To appear means to make an effort to create an approved image. Approval may be followed by respect, attractiveness, fame, acceptance or various other formats of social acceptance.

We should always be guided by the idea that our true motives should be in harmony with our inner nature. But there is also room in our lives to create a certain image. We don’t necessarily have to open our hearts to every person – that can be a painful experience. Instead, we should distinguish between formal and informal life. With strangers, colleagues, clients, partners, distant relatives – we behave within the bounds of benevolent etiquette. But inside, we always burn with the idea of maintaining inner independence from other people’s opinions.

We should get rid of the endeavour to get happiness through people, because they, being mostly unhappy, are hardly capable of giving happiness to us. If a person does not have something, he will not be able to give it to others. For this reason, no one should try to get happiness from other people: the only person who can make you happy is yourself.

Why is it important to Be and not to Appear?

The principle of “Being” is much more important than the principle of “Appearing”. What happens when we try to appear in everything:

• nature is suppressed and not developed
• persistent dissatisfaction
• contradictions and false self-perceptions deepen
• a person doesn’t get happiness and fulfilment
• build insincere relationships
• a person wastes energy and time on inappropriate activities

Nature is suppressed and does not evolve

Although the inner nature is naturally powerful, man must be able to master it. Otherwise, it will be unbridled and undeveloped, which will not allow it to manifest properly. The refusal of Being itself leads to the degradation of the essence, the true personality, which makes it impossible to achieve harmony with oneself.

Learning to manifest your nature is a vital skill for achieving happiness. But no one teaches it, and it can take years to learn this skill on our own, even if we actively hone our ability to be ourselves. What about when nature is suppressed?

Dissatisfaction persists

The root cause of dissatisfaction is inner unfulfillment. When the potential of nature does not find an outlet, a whole set of negative feelings is created, from feeling out of place to feeling worthless and depressed. By realising one’s nature, euphoria, happiness and a great deal of energy naturally arise. The result is of no concern to the one whose activity is vital to him, because on the basis of realising one’s purpose there is complete satisfaction.

Contradictions and false perceptions of self are deepening

Not following his nature and becoming more and more immersed in the creation of a false image, man surrounds himself with deceptions, excuses and illusory perceptions of himself. In this he resembles the silkworms bred by men. The silkworms bred by people live in conditions in which they have no need to fly, and therefore over time they have lost this ability.

The contradictions are smoothed out by building a complex system of self-esteem – the cocoon – but they are not resolved, only deepened. In time, peace leaves the person and he is busy endlessly chewing over his inability to surrender to his true nature.

One does not get happiness and fulfilment

Happiness comes from dedication to one’s work. A deed that is in harmony with nature. Realisation arises from doing such an activity, which is what shows a person, through lived experience, the rightness of his or her actions. In an attempt to appear “good”, the individual turns away from the possibility of experiencing fulfilment, believing that it is achieved through external success.

Insincere relationships are built

Trying to show a favourable side of oneself rather than the real one leads to building the wrong relationship, in which the partner does not see the real person, but the person being shown. This often makes the difference between expecting happiness in a relationship and having to constantly manoeuvre between showing your real self and showing the side that started the relationship in the first place.

A person wastes energy and time on the wrong activities

False ideas about oneself create wrong aspirations: hobbies, pastimes, career focus and attitudes of achievement will all encourage one to engage in activities that have nothing to do with one’s sincere desires and aspirations.

What is the right way to start being yourself and finding your nature?

To know yourself, you need to follow the steps step by step:

• Identify qualities: trace the qualities that are manifested in us always.
• Define life values: to understand which values we cannot give up and which principles are vital for us.
• To understand true desires: to understand what we really want and the innermost dreams of what makes our heart bloom.
• Understand what prevents you from being yourself: recognise the reasons that prevent you from manifesting your nature alone and in the company of people, and try to get rid of these obstacles.
• Answering the main questions: asking and finding the answer to the main questions will allow you to define your nature more precisely.
• To undertake an action aligned with nature: sustained sensations during the activity will pinpoint the response of our nature, allowing us to understand the degree of alignment between activity and essence.

It is important not only to understand who we are, but also to have a firm understanding of who we are not. By gradually denying the qualities, values, desires that do not belong to us, we will be able to define our nature more accurately and act in harmony with it.

What is the difficulty of finding yourself?

The difficulty of finding oneself lies in three moments: the moment of beginning, the moment of action, and the moment of success.

We naturally perceive the difficulties associated with the process of realising the self and resolving the painful ones, but the greatest difficulty lies in starting the process and attempting to break out of the habitual ideas of right and wrong for oneself. It is the beginning that is the most difficult, as without having the lived experience of experiencing realisation, it will be difficult for a person to grasp onto something abstract to motivate themselves to make real changes in their life and attitudes.

The second difficult moment is the moment of action. A person may be perfectly aware of who he is but not take action, believing that the realisation of nature is a matter of cosmic magnitude and activity must be appropriate. In fact, the realisation of one’s nature should be reflected in simple things and in different fields. For example, if a person’s nature is to teach something, he can do it at work, at home, at weekends and in different areas at that. Any doubt is an attempt to go back into the cocoon and limit oneself for the sake of simple and understandable third-party approval.

The third difficult moment is the moment of success. The difficulty is that one is offered the repeated fruit of one’s endeavours to gain approval. Man fulfils his destiny and gets everything: Dharma rakshati rakshitam – Protect your destiny and your destiny will protect you. But if a person readily accepts the fruits and gives himself up to their enjoyment – he changes his path to pleasures, relationships, honour, high place and loses much of the sincerity that enabled him to obtain all these. Attachment to the fruits of labour makes one dependent and deprives one of the freedom of the personality that produces all these fruits.

To be, not to seem: conclusion

To be rather than to appear is an expression that reflects a principle that points to the importance of genuinely following one’s inner nature and limiting the attempt to pretend to others. There are places in our lives where we formally present ourselves to others, but our whole life should and must be organised around our desire to manifest our nature as much as we can.